and also for offering to above
This is the first chapter
here the introduction: fav.me/d5gq1b1
MLP1 part 2 here: fav.me/d5onjh7
MLP2 part 1 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP2 part 2 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP2 part 3 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP3 part 1 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP3 part 2 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP3 part 3 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP3 part 4 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP4 part 1 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP4 part 2 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP4 part 3 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP4 part 4 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
MLP4 part 5 here: mauroz.deviantart.com/art/Frie…
That being said, I do feel the dialogue is somewhat awkward in a few places, likely due to it being translated from one language to another.
If you'd like, I can probably edit it further, make it come of more naturally.
Spike: Wow! That's awesome Twilight! How did that happen?
Twilight: I don't know, It just appeared out of thin air and something clung to my head.
Spike: What does that even mean?
Twilight: I do know one thing Spike, Something like this is not scientifically possible, therefore this headpiece is not scientifically possible!
Spike: Wait, so do you mean this could be magic?
Twilight: Highly doubtful Spike
Both: Next Time: Element of Magic!
Spike: So if it really is magic, does this mean you could pull rabbits out of your hat?
Twilight: Thats magicians, and thats not eve real magic!
Spike: So you DO believe in magic.
Twilight: Oh I give up!
Ever considered doing a Motion Comic of this or even a Comic Dub?
GO GO HARMONY RANGERS!(sorry I had to)
Also love the near-panty shots xD
1. Show, don't tell.
You don't need to have the narrator or the characters say things the reader would assume. For instance, "What's happened to me? My body feels strange" can be shortened to simply "What's happening?"
It would be more natural to say "Bearers" or "Spirit-bearers" instead of saying "The Bearers of the Spirits of Harmony." I'm pretty sure that we'd know which bearers they're talking about if they did that.
Likewise, "That could only mean that she too bears a Spirit of Harmony" can simply be "[unconscious because her]... She is another bearer."
Other than that, superb story-telling.
the last few slides
reminds me of
is that just just me?
seriously it is really awsome.. i dont want to know how much time is in there ..
but why do i get such a Yugi-Oh Feeling somehow^^ .. maby the artstyle.
Go on, its great